Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

“This is a recent phenomenon for me. I just started back on my Latuda after taking a 6 month break (felt my symptoms were getting out of control again) and this is the first time i have Ever had this problem. I will completely lose my train of thought merely walking from one room to the next with a purpose in mind. The purpose disappears and im left feeling helpless. It is not good but i know i will have to get use to it because i would rather have this side effect than become psychotic and end up away from my home and family.
This is just a whole new level of side effect for me, and i have never had it before being off and on anipsychts since 2010. Is it a true degenerative loss of gray matter?
Even as i write this im losing what im trying to say. Im not gonna let it get me down though. I mean i Have to survive for my child. I just went in and fixed his blankie and kinda cried, promising God i will make the most out of every living second with him and if i do succumb to devastating long term symptoms atleast he will know his mother loved him and gave him her all while she could! 🙏😢”

Tell my prescriber?

“I guess i should tell her, but this is my golden egg med as i have tried them All. So i will have to learn to accommodate it i guess. I have been using the post it notes a lot. I have them in the main rooms in my home. ”

“I guess I have flown under the radar with this side effect, i have been on an antipsychotic of some sort now for about 8 years. wonder why it is cropping up now? Makes me worried that my symptoms could get worse? Idk i have never had hallucinations, just the delusions but i often wonder if over the years this disorder becomes degenerative?
Everything is gonna work out though, i have faith in that 🙏”

“I had a lot of trauma in my childhood. I dont remember a whole lot because of that. But i do want to hang on to the memories of my little son growing up. I take tons of pics and videos. 😞”

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Holes

clenched teeth
pulsing blood
hissing memories…
how could she?
who Is this sly, blurry face, posing as a friend?
Mother:  False Sense of Security.
you came here, acting like an acquaintance
from another life.  a happy life.
(a lie.)
but in turn you were
only gathering intel on perceived
heartache and trials
Weaknesses and Failure
to add to your gossipringprayercircle.
you bring blankets
but the blankets feel like cold, black
Holes.

Anxiety

shivering frigid memory
that I have done something wrong
that I have forgotten something
that I didn’t do this thing….
I forgot to close the refridgerator door
that was somehow left open
deep down inside my stomach
and the feeling leaves me subltly confused
and agitated
and anxious.
like my whole body going cold, chilly from the inside out.
like a waiting to find something that will never meet a need
like an air that will never let in comfort unless
the door is closed.
like the neon light
in the middle of the night
that cripples my eyes’ chances
at sleeping
through an insomniatic attack.
(where did the Warm of peace go?)
like a feeling that i have always done something wrong
like guilt, shame, remorse.
I forgot to close the door, I forgot, I forgot…everything is My fault.
I forgot.
and now the chill is crowding my senses.
can You close the door, my mistakes?
so I may fall back into dreams
so  I can be comfortable under the blankets of my childhood prayers
so I can shut my eyes to my pillow
and find Your peace?